Just wanted to let you know

Hi everyone,

I know it has been a really long time since my last update, and for that I apologize. I’ve been swamped with work and school. It’s hard to find time for sleep, let alone blogging!

But I finally have time now, so I figured that I should let you know that I’m healed. In fact, I’ve been healed for a while, but I’ve been reluctant to say anything for fear of flaring again.

But I think that after 27 months, it’s safe to say that it’s over.

I’ve moved on with my life. I’m doing everything that I had hoped I would be doing. It’s almost as though TSW never happened. It’s been such an all-consuming part of my life for the past two years, yet now that it’s over, I can barely remember any of it. Photos are the only reminders I have left that this actually happened.

My skin feels perfectly normal now. I don’t moisturize, and I don’t do any special treatments whatsoever.

I will say that my skin is much more sensitive now. I can’t use most conventional lotions, and the sun burns me very quickly. But other than that, my skin’s great.

So just keep holding on, and remember that you will heal too!

Mariella

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Back in the thick of it

Hey everybody,

I hope you’re doing well. I’m actually not doing so great. The second flare is in full swing. It’s still localized to my arms and neck, but I find with the worsening of my skin, I’m starting to feel the same way I did during the worst of it. Suddenly I feel a little lonely. Like I don’t quite fit in with my own life, as it was only just picking up speed again. I feel lost now.

How can I move on when this beast keeps holding me back?

The N-itch

Hi everybody!

I just finished my eleventh month of withdrawal two weeks ago, and it feels great! May was a really busy month for me, so that’s why this post is a bit late. I’m trying to make up for all the time that I’ve lost to this thing, so I’ve been going out a lot and just living, really.

I went to Paris and London, I drank on a (sometimes) nightly basis (My parents were gone for two whole weeks. What can I say?!). I even met a fellow TSW warrior! It was amazing, ranting to an actual person who knows exactly what I’m talking about. I highly recommend it, if you get the chance!

My skin has definitely improved in the past month. The acne has calmed down a lot, which is awesome because it was getting pretty out of control. Also, my legs are way better. I can FINALLY shave them haha! I’m sure most ladies going through this know what I’m talking about. The thought of a razor against my skin a month ago? Yikes! It wasn’t happening. But they’re not sensitive anymore, so yay! They’re still discoloured, and they’re still dry, but the itch is pretty much gone!

As a matter of fact, the itch in general is gone. My neck still itches a bit when I sweat, but it’s really not that bad. Although, it did start itching when I was out dancing one night, so I just had to go with it haha! It’s a new move that I like to call the N-itch (the Neck Itch–guaranteed to put all eyes on you!).

Other than that, I’ve been sitting out in the sun, but not consistently because the weather is all over the place! Last week, it was really sunny, hot, and humid. This week, it’s rainy, and the temperature plummeted to 15 degrees. Not exactly tanning weather, but I’ll take what I can get.

Hoping it’s sunny on your end,

Mariella

8 Month Update

Okay, sorry for the lack of posts. I would write more often if there was something to write about, but there isn’t. That in itself is both good and bad.

Things haven’t gotten any worse, but they haven’t gotten that much better either. My skin’s stagnant, and that’s possibly THE most frustrating state ever.

My legs are still driving me crazy, along with my neck. They aren’t as itchy, which is progress, but it’s not good enough! They’re just really dry and rashy. Arrrggg!!

And my face has started to break out! I haven’t had any acne in months, despite constantly caking coconut oil and vaseline onto my skin. Now, I have tons of it! I know it’s just a part of the healing process (I think my skin’s starting to make its own oils again), but it sucks.

I just want one place to be completely healed. After 8 months of this, I’ve accepted it, but I’m so tired of it. My skin has gotten so much better, but it’s still holding me back. Or I guess I’m letting it hold me back. I can’t help but worry about a second wave of flaring, and I can’t stop thinking that everything will be better once my skin’s better. But I want things to be better now, because my skin shouldn’t dictate how I live.

My life has been completely derailed, yet as much as I want to get back on track, I think I’ve become lazy and more than a little nonchalant. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’ve had it with TSW.

Richard Ashcroft Put it Best

My skin is still being miserable. My neck is extremely itchy and my legs are covered with rashes. And then my face still isn’t healed yet, but I guess that’s to be expected seeing as I did use a wide variety of creams on my eyelids and jazz.

I would never actually do it, but sometimes I can’t help but imagine using some cream. My skin would be amazing in a couple of days! But like I said, when I think about that, I quash those thoughts with The Verve. Because like Richard Ashcroft said…

Now the drugs don’t work

They just make you worse

But I know I’ll see your face again!!!!!!

I know he’s singing about different drugs, but I like to interpret the song in my own way, thank you very much.

On the flip side, I think I can actually see some normal skin again! I say ‘think’ because I haven’t seen it in so long that I don’t remember what it looks like haha! Still, it’s a nice feeling. Now, hopefully my skin will be super amazing in time for Christmas. That would be the best gift ever!

Actually, maybe it would be the second best. My sister bought me a guitar shirt that I can actually play. That’s the best gift ever haha!

Mariella

A Letter from my Future Self

My skin survived the work week! Through daily makeup, poor eating, and very little sleep, it behaved! 😀 Don’t get me wrong–it was flaky pretty much every single day. But it wasn’t a big deal, and it didn’t make me want to hide in my room. I was surprisingly fine with it (I had to survey to a lot of people up close and personal). That probably has something to do with the fact that I was being payed haha!

Anyways, I don’t know if you believe in astrology and horoscopes or not (I don’t even know if I believe in them half the time), but I do read my horoscope every day. Sometimes it’s eerily accurate, and other times it’s completely off (I just ignore those ones hehe). Yesterday, it was accurate AND thought provoking. Those are the best kind.

Here it is:

“Imagine writing a letter to yourself in the past:

‘Dear person I used to be, There is no need to be upset about half the issues that are bugging you because they really aren’t as problematic as they seem.

P.S. You are coming up to a point when everything starts to be making a lot more sense.

Yours sincerely, the person you later became!’

You may not be able to send such a message back from the present, but you can certainly receive one from your future self, right now!…”

I’ve written letters to my future self, but never from my future self. I guess now would be a good time to start, so here goes:

Dear Present Mariella,

You’re going through some crappy times right now. You’re going through something that will break you down and leave you to pick up the pieces (You know all too well that I mean that literally, what with the incessant flaking). But as sucky as it is, you will be better and stronger because of it.  Every dream that you have, you’ll reach, because once you’re better, nothing’s going to hold you back.

I know that your biggest worry is that your skin will never go back to normal, so I have to tell you that you’re right.

Your skin will be the best its ever been!  I can attest to that because, well, I’m living in it, and I’m loving it. No more long sleeves and scarves for you, no sir! You’re on your way to freedom, so smile, take a deep breath, and dust off those t-shirts! Everything will be fine. You will be fine, so don’t worry.

Sincerely,

Future Mariella 🙂

What would you write to your present self?

Ready to Face the World

As the title says, I’m ready to face the world. I’ve been out and about this past week, and besides the unfamiliar fatigue and bags under my eyes (I’m not used to waking up before 5 pm!), I feel pretty good!

My face is so much better. With each day, the flakes become less and less. Plus, my right hand is amazingly smooth! I’ve had elephant skin on both hands from the get-go, so it’s an awesome reminder that my body is healing. It just takes forever and a day!

I have this unfamiliar joie de vivre (ya know, I’m a typical teen, blasé when it comes to just about everything). This withdrawal really does change you! After all the damage it’s done to my self-esteem and my social life, I just want to get out there and live! I just want to exist somewhere outside of the internet.

So I got a job. And I’m writing for a website again. Of course I’ve taken precautions–I’m not so rash as to assume that I’m out of the woods just yet. The job’s only a week long, and the writing gig is mostly opinion-based, void of face-to-face interviews (okay, so maybe that doesn’t exactly count as “getting out there,” but who cares?). If my skin decides to go haywire anytime soon, it won’t matter!

I think this all goes without saying, when your skin gets better, enjoy it! Take advantage of the smoothness and the itch-free moments, because you don’t know when it’s going to change. Of course, we always hope that each flare will be our last, but we’re never sure. So seize the moment! And if you haven’t had the moment yet, or you’ve just entered another flare, hold on to the memory of perfect skin. It’ll be reality soon enough.

Mariella